16 OCT 05
[quilt square]
Bedside. One side:
He's waiting for her in the blind spot. More & more, he's wearing his story in his face--it wasn't always like that. Lots of people are talented. I knew them all. They liked the right music. Now they want me to "believe" in Jesus... How do they do it? My face hurts.
I can't live my life for everybody else. What about art? I'm not a girl--I'm old. It's taken so much. Now my face really hurts. What will I do? What am I gonna do, right this minute? Man, now everything's starting to hurt. A lot of people have talent, but it's not enough.
We were all young, at one time. Nobody knew how it would be. Nobody had any idea. I was thinking of--what was her name? From San Clemente. She had pain and they "took a look" and it was all through her body. They gave her 2 months and she died in 2 months. That was it. She had kids. Something is definitely moving in there. It's like having a cat in there. "Don't have a kitten." [laughs] That's an expression.
I keep thinking about Jackie. The idea that God will make it up to her. He's gonna be a busy guy, making it up to everybody. I keep thinking of things I have to do. I'm just wasting the whole day here. I might be able to rest for a minute, I've gotten so tired.
Just people…and clothes… My mother… I just see her, you know? Things she wanted. I feel like I absorbed so much from her. As a child, I really absorbed from her--and from my father too--the idea that sex was something a person should avoid at all costs. Because it hurt them so much. Where the fuck do I think I'm going? I've been eating funny. Even if I wasn't sick, my stomach might feel weird. I'm not sure what that proves--it's just a thought.
Somebody's yelling out there. I have to try, don't I? Something must be real. I keep hearing that song "Bye Bye Blackbird." The body knows it's gonna die. You told me that. Bye-bye blackbird, thirteen ways.
I might feel better tomorrow. I wonder if it would be possible for me to go to sleep. If I could sleep I'd feel better when I woke up. I'd like to rest for a minute. I think I might just close my eyes. I keep thinking, "Jesus, you're wasting the whole day." But I'd like to close my eyes.
. . . . .
