15 NOV 05
13 NOV 05

It's 12 years today. How can she not be among us? 11 NOV 05
"I couldn't really be a beauty operator in Yonkers," I say to Aunt Mae (who wishes we wouldn't move). Because we are moving, Max and I--to Florida? so I can do this beauty parlor, hair-cutting thing. I imagine the hair falling to the floor. What kind of music could we play in the shop? My father (a different guy) is upset. He's in a ranch house (white siding, maybe some brick). "But what about a studio?" he seems to be saying to me (mentally). "What about painting?"
free will, theory of: 1. the belief that, given again the same conditions, humans can will to do otherwise than what they did do. 9 NOV 05
 "Behind the mule is a man. And then the fake horse." * Dear N,
Well, no. Though the blog-as-art idea has intrigued me, I don't see mine that way. If I were really pursuing it as art, I'd be revising continually. Instead, I'm choosing to stick with the "when it's up, it's up" rule, allowing every post to stand. ("Build muscle by doing what you wouldn't do.") Do you still get Artforum? A conversation between Wolfgang Tillmans and Isa Genzken in the new issue brought you to mind. (And I see that it's online as well, here, at the Artforum site.) Tillmans: One morning I was on the subway to the studio and thought, "The most incredible thing now would be to just keep sitting on the train and go to the last stop." A minor action, yet I knew what a deed it would be. Still, I didn't do it. I thought, no, I still have things I have to do. A few days later, I walked again to the tube station, and from that station there are also trains to Brighton, and I just got on one instead of going to the studio and spent a day by the sea. And there I decided to change things and move to Berlin for the summer. Know what I mean? k PS: Speaking of muscle-building, I put in a request at the library for Sven Lindqvist's Bench Press, a book I heard some bits from on the radio the other day (nextbigthing.org, in show #550). The excerpts were beautiful--very spare and entertaining. Lindqvist says (in an interview at his site), "It was my personal experience that physical training had a liberating mental effect. I started to remember my dreams. Secret doors to childhood memories were suddenly opened. I don't know if others have had the same experience, but when I look around in the gym quite a few gym mates seem to be in a meditative mood." Will I start lifting weights? Finding the time to do more than glance at the book isn't likely this month. Not unless I take the train to Brighton... 7 NOV 05
He had a light, I had a pain that woke me.
I saw a book, it was the book of love. 5 NOV 05
 They're taking the boats out of the water. The sound of time passing the old notes. Rereading our old mail, "a place to be remembered." The characters are introduced. It's dark. Did you sleep? Have I run out of luck? "It's dark. That always takes me back." I dreamed I had a chalk eraser I could use to erase myself. I loved rubbing it all over me, then walking around--just some smeared chalk dust that nobody noticed. I've been thinking of Thoreau. And feeling the desire to walk for hours a day, as we used to. The song begins (such a tiredness, another song). But, he said, the search for light must be a long one in most people's lives. Poetry, the uses. Just as love is an enormous field. Many parts of it have to be imagined, by everyone. 3 NOV 05
A few words before bed. Fire, wax, the greenblue trees, the water in the fish-shaped font. When they ask me where you are, I'll say the heartlands. "This is not a thing that I have sought, but it has come across my path and I have seized it." *  1 NOV 05
"What is the power that moves you? And what does it turn on?"
(Amiri Baraka)
. . . . . . . eod current
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